Where's The Humor?

Missing the funny posts? Me too. January's been insane. Bert's been gone for over half of the month and at the end of the day as a solo parent all I want to do is sleep. Hence, little time for blogging. On the nights he has been here, I've had something going on that's kept me out late. Sounds fun I know, but those events have included: CPR training, First Aid training, babysitting, picking up friends from the airport, and meeting with a group to finish a sewing project. Funny, the way that last sentence starts out, I sound like a teenager, then it takes a sudden shift and ends with me sounding like an old lady. For the record, I do not fit into either demographic. So, again the point here is I've had little time at home in the evenings to blog. Hence, my dearth of funny posts. If it's humor you're after (specifically something funny that I've written), may I recommend the following:

This fall hundreds of entries (so I'm told) were submitted and only the finest chosen for publication. I'm happy to have made the cut (I don't have much going on for me right now, so allow be to be proud of this one accomplishment. But since it's merely a self-published book, it's not even that much of an accomplishment. Anyone can self-publish. It's not like I've just been spotted by some famous publishing house and am on the road to stardom).
My copy just arrived in the mail and I must say that it lives up to its title. Something Cleverish, indeed. There are lots of funny vignettes inside and I'm sure you'll laugh. Even if you don't, your money won't have been wasted. I'm not out shamelessly peddling my wares. Let it be known that I don't receive any commission, cash, points, widgets, or any other item for selling this book. All of the proceeds go to the NieNie Recovery Fund.
Haven't heard of NieNie? Don't worry, I hadn't either until my friend Mrs. Furious introduced me to her story (long story short version: young mother of 4 suffered major burns over 80% of her body when she and her husband were in a private plane crash in August. Both have survived and are undergoing a major recovery effort, complete with major medical fees, hence the fundraising book).
Looking for a way to entertain yourself and help someone in need? Kill two birds with one stone (but not the pretty bird on the cover of the book), by buying Something Cleverish here.

Don't worry, folks. I'll be back with my A game before too long. This week's looking crazy too, but in the meantime you can enjoy reading my funny, original, never-been-posted story in Something Cleverish.

At Your Service

I originally was going to title this post "Mary Poppins and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day(s)," but I'm trying to focus on the positive. Let's just say that in the last 4 days, everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. Some highlights (just to name a few):
1. On Friday afternoon, waiting with my children for 2 hours at the pharmacy while my insurance company tried to fix a clerical error they made a few months ago that does not allow us to get prescriptions filled. Due to the long holiday weekend, the issue is still unresolved and we're still waiting to get Una's prescription. Luckily we're no longer forced to wait at the pharmacy. Even more luckily, it's not some urgent medication, like insulin, that she needs.
2. Making not one, but two trips to the car repair place to fix a problem that wasn't fixed properly the first time. Since Bert's not around this required the use of two different friends who helped me transport the cars (thank you D and K).
3. Hitting black ice on the freeway and spinning completely out of control into another lane entirely. Both the car and I emerged unscathed (but just barely). I narrowly missed getting hit by a large 4 wheel drive truck and a semi. Luckily I was alone and did not have my kids in the back seat. I can only imagine how traumatizing that would be for them.
And people, those are just a few of the highlights. It's been a constant stream of misfortune here at the Poppins household since Thursday afternoon. But as I said, I'm keeping this positive, so back to the "At Your Service" Post.
Today is national service day. I hope this isn't the first time you're hearing about it. Since Bert's out of town and I've got sole custody of the kids until he gets back later this week (much later, unfortunately), I haven't been able to go anywhere to do a service project out in the community. I have yet to find a terrific community service project to do with two kids in tow. Some places require that children be at least 16 years of age and other places wouldn't really be a suitable environment for Una and Duet. I did notice that a lot of organizations in my area are holding food and clothing drives for the needy, so I decided to participate that way. Una helped me choose some clothing and canned goods to donate and off we went. No, we weren't out there mingling with others in our community, but considering the two limitations I have, I think we've done pretty well for ourselves.
Join in the fun. The day's not over yet. Happy serving!

At Your Service

So I declared that I was going to spend more time focusing on others this holiday season. It's been a worthwhile activity. In fact, I'd venture to say that the emphasis on service has allowed me to feel the true spirit of Christmas more than any other activity I've done: more than listening to Christmas music, more than putting up Christmas decorations, more than making Christmas goodies, more than wrapping gifts, even more than reading A Christmas Carol. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I've done all of those things this season, I just I'll admit that I haven't been able to do something every single day, but I have found some random act of kindness to do most days. Making service a priority has made me aware of opportunities that would have otherwise gone unnoticed. I know that Christmas is only a week away, but I plan to continue my service challenge long after the holidays have ended.

Have a Lice Day

I got another call this afternoon from my boss asking for (you guessed it) a last minute sub. This time it was for an after school dance class that I've taught before so it required no prep time whatsoever. I just needed to be at the school when classes ended for the day and dance with the kids for 45 minutes. Since I'm the world's best employee I said yes. I really need to learn how to say no.

Things were going well until about 5 minutes into class when I was doing a brief introduction exercise with the elementary school age girls. When asked what she did over the weekend, one of the girls (I'll call her Lacey) said "well we were going to go to our cousin's house but we found some nits in my hair (as in head lice eggs) and so then we couldn't go." Grateful to be sitting across the room from her, I asked the obvious "if you found some nits, then why are you at school?" I then thought (but did not repeat out loud), "If your relatives, who ostensibly love you, don't want you around them when you're nit infested, you can bet this stranger is not happy to be in the same room with you for the afternoon." Lacey then said something about how the nits hadn't seemed to change over the course of 4 hours, so it was OK to be there. Her attempt at reassurance didn't soothe me at all. I was grateful Una, with her golden locks that I'm sure any louse would be pleased to call home, was not with us. I managed to keep my person and Duet away from Lacey for the remainder of the class. Now I'm focusing my energies on asking Santa to keep us lice-free this holiday season. Does Santa answer requests like that?

They do not pay me enough to put up with this crap.

P.S. I'm so congested today I can barely breathe through my nose. I put the workout on hold for today but I'm hoping I can breathe well enough to do it tomorrow. I did manage to deliver some Christmas treats to my boss and co-workers. Some might call that ass kissing. I call that service.

I Suck. Now Wish Me Luck.

Well, if you've been checking out my stats in the sidebar (see "How Well is Mary Poppins Progressing?") this week, you may notice that for the first time since I started this blog I have failed to meet my workout goal. I'm disappointed, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. It's been a hectic week with Bert gone, Duet sick, Duet getting me and Una sick, etc, etc, etc. The truth is, I could make excuses all day, but that doesn't change the fact that I didn't do it.

When I make it a priority, it happens. I've certainly found that to be the case for everything in life. Overnight I went from someone who never exercised to someone who exercised for 40 minutes at least 4 times a week. Nothing changed except for my priorities. Once I decided that it was important to work out, I made it fit into my schedule. Suddenly I was willing to work out in the morning, the afternoon, or the evening depending on my schedule. I was flexible and I made it happen, Cap'n. This last week I let other things get in the way.

I am going to try harder this week to complete my workout goal. I'm also sticking with the service, because it's been fun to spread Christmas love. In the same week can I be both a jolly service-rendering bringer of Christmas cheer and a hard-core cardio workout enthusiast? We shall see. No, I'm going to be more optimistic than that. I'll embrace the slogan we didn't get to hear enough of this year; yes we can. Or more accurately; yes I can. Wish me luck.

I Need a Fix

One of the benefits of not being a homeowner is that when something breaks, I am not responsible for fixing it. There's only so much responsibility one person can handle, after all. I'll gladly shoulder the responsibility for my 2 children, mumblemumblemumblethousands of dollars in student loan debt, and our matching Honda Civics (oh, you didn't know that Bert and I have matching cars? It's true. We're that cute), but I'm not eager to jump into bed with the concept of home ownership. Not because I have commitment issues. But because I don't want to be responsible for fixing anything. I can barely muster the strength to fix my hair, Una's hair, and Duet's hair each morning. I don't want the added pressure of fixing toilets, faucets, outlets, and anything else that will go wrong the moment I sign my (to borrow a phrase from "Santa Baby") "x on the line" on those mortgage papers. So for now I'm content to be a renter. I know this means my status as a verifiable grown-up is now debatable. But I can live with that, just as long as I don't have to live with the responsibility for fixing things.
So this morning when I discovered a trifecta of broken items (blinds, toilet, bathroom ceiling fan), I was pleased to pass the buck and call the maintenance department at our apartment complex. When the maintenance worker showed up we were about to venture out to the library (I know, we live the most exciting lives) but since Bert is out of town (yet again) and I'm starved for adult interaction, I figured I'd stick around and chat with her for a bit. She was quite lovely and in the end I gave her a 1/2 dozen Christmas cookies that I made (does that count as service? I'm saying yes). Rest assured, if it had been this guy, no Christmas cookies would have been offered. Period.
Too bad it's going to be awkward on Monday when I have to call them back to send someone out here to fix the fan again. I don't know what she did, but that thing is now turbo charged and shakes so violently that I'm fearful it will come flying right out of my ceiling. I don't like the sound or looks of it. Oh well, at least I'm not the one in charge of fixing it.

Just When I Thought I'd Failed...

Edited to add this:
Beware--the following post is the lamest one I've ever written. Of course I would happen to post it on the day the announcement was made that my entry was picked to be in the humorous blog book that's being published to benefit Nie Nie. This is the kind of impeccable timing I'm known for. I can assure you that although this post is a total snoozer, my entry was funny.

You want funny?
Go here to read about the inspiration for this year's Christmas card photo and then here to see how amazing my family and I look dressed in tin foil. Yes, you read that right. Tin foil.
Or here to learn how with one 3-word sentence I successfully managed to make my daughter terrified of her father and his professional skills.
Or here to discover why you would never want to take me anywhere in public, particularly to the Special Olympics, or any other place where I might encounter someone who's differently-abled.

That's enough for one day. No need to read below this dotted line. It's really not worth anyone's time.
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At around 5:00 this afternoon I was lamenting the fact that I hadn't yet done my service for the day. My house was in shambles (and still is--that's why this post is so short), I hadn't done my workout or the Core Program as I'd hoped to, and I hadn't left the house except to pick Una up from preschool and take Duet for a walk. I was feeling like a bit of a loser until I realized the reason for my lack of accomplishments today. I hadn't done anything on my list because I'd spent the day focusing on Duet.
Poor Duet has been sick and more demanding than usual. However, she hasn't been demanding in an annoying way. My child who typically climbs her way through the day, spent a good part of the afternoon snuggling with me on my lap reading books. It was a treat to be able to actually sit still with her and spend some one-on-one time together while Una was at preschool. After reading, I took her on a long walk in her stroller so she could get some much needed fresh air. It was during said walk that I realized that although I hadn't managed to accomplish my workout goal or the Core Program, I had indeed spent the whole day in service.
I often forget that service doesn't always have to benefit those living outside of my home. There are plenty of service opportunities within my own family. No one needed my help more than Duet today. And I'm glad I was there to give her what she needed.

If You Build It, They Will Come

So I'm not exactly talking about plowing over my cornfield on my Iowa farm and erecting a baseball diamond in its stead. But just as Kevin Costner took a leap of faith in "Field of Dreams," so did Mary Poppins in this Christmas service challenge. Did my man Kevin know that throngs of baseball fans would appear if he built the field of dreams? No, but James Earl Jones and others had faith that they would come.
I started this last challenge in a very un-Mary-like way. Instead of having a set plan to accomplish the service each day, I just held on to the hope that opportunities would arise. And they have arisen, my friends. Take yesterday for example, when I spontaneously had the chance to babysit a neighbor child while her parents prepared the house for their move next week. There was also the phone call that I got from a different neighbor who needed help clearing some things out of her basement. Done and done. That's two in one day.
Today I picked up an item for my neigbor with the broken foot while I was out running errands. Tomorrow I was supposed to babysit for another neighbor who had surgery today, but poor Duet came down with a nasty virus so we're quarantined for the day. Normally I might be a bit concerned that I don't have a service plan for tomorrow, but I'm optimistic that something will manifest itself. I'm giddy with anticipation just thinking about the prospect.
Reading over this, I'm realizing that I live in a pretty needy hood. I guess the moral is you should all be grateful you're not my neighbor since there's some pretty crazy stuff going on right now: broken apendages, international relocations, surgeries, etc. Maybe I'm living in an unlucky location. If only I knew more about Feng Shui, maybe I could turn this place around.

Boomerang

As I've mentioned on multiple occasions, I love ABBA. Almost as much as Una does. One of the greatest Christmas presents I ever received was the DVD "ABBA: The Definitive Collection." What makes this collection so definitive? According to the text on the DVD cover, it "features every official ABBA video in one package for the first time, including three Spanish clips that have never been commercially released before." I don't even speak Spanish, but that doesn't stop me from loving the Spanish clips.

Most of these videos were made before bands were making music videos. Consequently, they're not uber-imaginative, but they do feature some spectacular costumes. Dying to see Bjorn wearing silver knee-high platform boots (Bjorn is one of the boys by the way)? Look no further than "Waterloo." Would you like to see all four ABBA members dressed in 18th century formal clothing while singing "Dancing Queen?" Then watch their performance at the Royal Swedish Opera, one of the bonus tracks. I know, it's almost too good to be true. If there is an ABBA fan on your Christmas list, you now know the perfect present to give.

One of the gems I unearthed while watching this video was the song "Bang-a-Boomerang." I wasn't familiar with it prior to watching the music video. The lyrics to the chorus are priceless (I could not make this up, people. This is what makes them the international singing sensation that they are):
Like a bang, a boom-a-boomerang
Dum-be-dum-dum be-dum-be-dum-dum
Oh bang, a boom-a-boomerang
Love is a tune you hum-de-hum-hum
So give it away, I think you'll learn
You'll get love in return
So bang, a boom-a-boomerang is love
A boom-a-boomerang is love

That boomerang concept comes to my mind this evening as I've been thinking about the day. Today I made lunch for a friend of mine whose husband just got laid off. She came over with her daughter and we feasted on pasta. After that, I made frosting and the girls decorated some sugar cookies that Bert made last night. Everyone had a great time and when they left 2 hours later with full bellies and a plate of cookies in hand we all had smiles on our faces. Except Duet. She was sleeping. But when she woke up she was calling for her friend "Fofie" (Sophie) so I can only assume that she enjoyed herself as well.

Back to the boomerang. So I put the Christmas love out there and had a friend in need over for lunch. Well guess what happened not 4 hours later? Another friend of mine said she was running to the grocery store and when I mentioned I was on my way there to pick up some paper plates that I had neglected to get when I was there this morning she offered to pick them up for me and bring them to my home. Bang-a-boomerang. And just like that the Christmas love was returned.

Truer words were never spoken (or sung, as the case may be): So give it away, I think you'll learn/You'll get love in return.

Thank you friend, thank you universe, and thank you ABBA.

Now I'm off. I've got some leftover tinfoil and Bert and I are going to attempt to recreate this timeless ABBA image. Maybe if we can get the girls to cooperate, it will be our Christmas card picture this year. Wish us luck.

Christmas Cheer

Did you hear that? That loud exhale? That's me breathing an audible sigh of relief now that last week is finally over. I ended up working 30 hours last week because we had some extra events going on at work. In addition to that, Bert was out of town for part of the week which always makes things trickier.
So here we are and it's already the 7th of December. The 7th! My tree is up, the presents have been purchased, and you know I've been listening to all kinds of Christmas music, but with all of the running around last week, things still don't seem adequately (for lack of a better, more specific, genuine term) Christmas-y around here.
This week promises to be less busy, giving me more time to get into and enjoy the Christmas spirit. But I think there's another component I need to add as well in order to produce more Christmas cheer. For my next challenge, I'm going to do one act of service each day to both feel and spread the Christmas love. At this point I don't really have a specific plan, but I'm sure that if I keep my eyes open, I'll find little ways to help others over the next couple of weeks. As usual, I'll keep posting about it. My ultimate wish is that by incorporating a little random act of kindness into my day, both my kids and I will experience more of the true Christmas spirit. Instead of making it all about Mary, I'll be making others merry.